Today's the day. It's like the continental divide of pregnancy loss. . .you get to this day and you stop thinking "I should be pregnant right now" and start thinking "I should be holding my baby right now."
Just how do you handle a day like this? We had William's body cremated, so we don't have a gravesite to visit. But I do have his garden, and that's where I spent the better part of my evening. As I was digging around, moving out rocks and pulling up old roots, I found that there were some old bricks at the bottom of the bed, put there decades ago by some previous owner. I had to laugh at this discovery. . .years ago I saw a pathway paved with old bricks, and I became instantly infatuated with the concept of "salvaged brick", as the magazine article called them. When I found these bricks today, it felt like a little gift from William to me. Silly, I know, but I'm going to take comfort wherever I can find it.
I could go on about what this day has been to me, delve into the thoughts that have been swimming around my head since I first woke up. But I'm tired. I understand now why they call it "griefwork"--it takes a surprising amount of energy. So I'll finish up this post now and leave myself some time to work on the blanket I'm making to give to the hospital, in William's memory.
Momma loves you, little guy.
Oh the Due Date. I remember that. I think its what held me back, sad, depressed for so long was thinking, "I should still be pregnant." I have to say once it passed it felt as though a weight had been lifted, at least for me. I am still sad and think about Harry all the time, especially when I see babies his age, the age he should be right now. His 1 yr birthday is coming up in October. These dates are hard. I hope you are doing well.
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